Dear Fans,
I am all boggled up inside this morning. I went out to the Cheese Cake Factory for the after dinner. I had the tex mex egg roll for appetizer and the chicken & Biscuit dinner, and 2 large diet cokes. I stopped before I exploded... I learn this by past experience believe me. Couldn't leave with out at piece of cheese cake. I took the peanut butter rippled cheese cake, and ate almost all of it. Got to bed @1:40 am and began to toss and turn @ 4:30 a combination of a huge mass of food in my stomach and a mind and heart full of uncomfortable feelings. All of this has left me in the hotel lobby @ 5:30 am coffee, ipod, and you my sounding board.
I'm not really sure where to start, or even what is REALLY bothering me. I guess I will start with the show and work back through this... I must say I was surprised with the turn out of the show. The main and influential aspect is that no one would ever think Sarah would weigh in at 134 lbs. I haven't seen any pix yet, but understand the differences in mine and her physique.
Really all the judges could tell me is that I was perfect, could have done nothing else, that I was just out muscled, which becomes just an ego smasher when it starts boiling down to my legs. I told myself that I needed one more year on my legs, even before the show. Now understand I have been focusing on my legs since the 2004 Nationals, after placing fourth in a class of Quad Monsters. So to hear that your legs need to be bigger is like pouring alcohol on an open wound. I have always said I wanted quads that made you cry when you looked at them. Cry because of all the hard work they took to build and maintain. BETTY V quads. I guess this was just the realization that I still have work to do.
I am very happy for Sarah. She deserves it as much as I do..Her birthday is Monday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL. Now the second thing bothering me is that honestly...I am disappointed in my unsportswomanly post show conduct. If my body language didn't speak for me then believe me the thoughts in my head were burning holes. I have to realize that I am human also and in the heat of the moment emotions are difficult to control, especially after what I have been through. I am speaking specifically about my post contest interview with Muscular Development and Dave Palumbo where I had not much good to say. Dave is my nutritionist and I didn't represent myself as well as I would have liked as one of his athletes. SORRY DAVE...I appreciate your help and friendship. You/We did a wonderful job. All of this has been a great learning experience for me, 20/20 hindsight of course. All of these experiences will help mold me into a better person and hopefully teach me how to handle something like this better next time.
OK, now for the 3rd thing bothering me. My options now....I had planned to do the Europa Supershow August 10th in Dallas but with the Jan Tana opportunity and the hopes of placing high enough for an Olympia qualification, I started planning extra things in July, not with a contest in mind. Hopefully having qualified I would just work the booth for MHP and train for Ms. O. I have one guest posing here locally NPC Caveman classic July 28th and I judge the Kansas City show Jun3 30th. There go two weekends in July. My mother's 60th birthday is July 12th and I haven't been home to Florida for 5 years. I said I would surprise my mom and show up for her birthday, if I qualified and was not in contest mode. Now seven weeks from the Europa and the increased pressure now of this being my last chance to get my O qualification and having to place first 1st to go is going to require an immediate change of focus. The judges told me I was right on in presentation and flawless condition....just smaller than the winner. Okay, in seven weeks I cannot make the SIZE improvements. It brings tears to my eyes to be told your size is still not big enough, so all I can do is try to dial in the same condition or better and fix a suit problem I had in the evening. I didn't glue down my and I hear it was totally wedged up my butt.
Now, looking ahead positively...that will then leave 7 more weeks of dieting for the Ms. O on September 29th equalling a 30 week diet in total. More than half a year. and then it gives me 5 months to make the physique changes and get the invite to the 2008 Arnold..If they have a lightweight class I know I will make waves. However, all of this physical and mental stress that is surrounding me also effects the next issue...my Chiropractic practice....that which pays my bills and puts food on the table. LOL..My productivity really goes down when I am preparing for a show..Thank god for my members and HERBICEPS webcam or I would weigh like 100 lbs on stage..LOL..Anyway I stop taking new patients, get too tired to work so I cut down to three day weeks and plainly just close down and shut off. I can only do so much. I will NOT do anything half-assed. I do it the best I can or not at all. My Mom says I get that from my DAD. Putting all of this into perspective, it comes down to my heart and soul and what I really want out of this journey. We will have to discuss that when I can rationalize my thoughts and answer that question. Until then here are my thoughts....When I planned my season for 2007 the Jan Tana was not scheduled I planned to hit the Europa first anyway. I placed 2nd there in an open class and took a wonderful ROOKIE trip to the Olympia. I will fulfill, all my commitments on my Events calendar.
For the rest of this weekend and week...I have an 11am photoshoot with muscleangels.com and then plan to have lunch with my great friend Tony and see him off to the airport. I then shift gears to a bit of a play mode. I will shoot back to Fort Lee, NJ where I will stay with my manager, Joel Goldberg and get my tour of NEW YORK FOOD STYLE this time..LOL. Monday I have a long shoot with Women's Physique World so look out for that to come.
Wow! I feel much better and more clear..Thank you for listening!!! My manager is also a numbers guy so his comment was "If you really want something to bitch about, bitch about the fact that you were closer to 3rd than 1st. Sarah had 1's across the board every round. He is also a mean bastard so his next comment was " If you are looking for sympathy, you will find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!!!!!" I guess that is saying something.
I am in a good place surrounded by people who love me..What more could I ask for? ...To be #1?? to many I already am... THANK YOU!!
Still Your IFBB pro
Dr. Dena
4 comments:
Dena!
There are a few other words for you that you will find in the dictionary between shit and syphillis - one of them is SUPER!!! That is saying something that won't soon pass, like this weekends contest will.
You are indeed in a good place surrounded by people who love you (wherever you go it seems) and I am one. You are #1 in my book (well, a tad to left of Charisse, of course) - you don't need big muscles to score in that contest. You're much more than just our IFBB Pro.
Thank you for writing: Charisse, myself, and DJ (just met him today) have been worried about your happyness. Girl, smile and be happy! You're still living your dream! Surrounded by people who love you!
You see, it just gets better.
BTW, your legs/glutes are coming along great - keep it up! Oaks don't grow overnight!
Dr. D,
Please don't forget about the vaugeries of judging as a factor too. the Phyique that wins this week, can come in 4th next week and vice versa.
For instance, you have better V taper and overall shape than Sarah in my opinion. She is a bit blocky and has more of an H shape to me. (Just MY opinion) Next time out, the judging panel may place more emphasis on your more pleasing type of shape and balance and place you with 1's across the board.
Bodybuilding and particularly women's bodybuiding is tremendously uneven in it's judging.
As for anything you may have said that you regret; your real friends and fans will understand where you are coming from. Apologize to anyone you feel you need to to, but don't sweat anyone else. You shouldn't try to please everyone. Just those whom you truely care about and who care about you.
Personally, I don't know what you said and I don't want to read it or hear it. I don't care. You last post here told me all I need to know about you.
Keep your chin up babe!
-AJ
Dena,
I have given bodybuilding a lot of thought when I decided to take the year off from competing. Please take time to put this all in perspective. Competitive BB takes away from LIFE, REAL LIFE. It is an escape. You said it in your blog.. your chiropractic practice suffers and your clients that depend on you just have to understand. You also haven't been to florida in five years to see your mother........please do not let BB stop you from spending time with people you love. In the end...the reward of winning a show or qualifying for the Ms O is still a fleeting moment. In my honst opinion... you and I are NOT going to be MS. Olympia one day. I have accepted that reallity. I enjoyed being on the stage of both the Arnold Classic and Ms. O... it was incredible. I could walk away right now and be happy and content. Bodybuilding is something I love to do and have been doing since I picked up a weight in 1992. But, competitive bodybuilding is something for the EGO. There is no money in competition. You end up spending mroe than you could ever make, even winning the Ms. O or Arnold Classic.
You have an amazing Physique. Amazing. I wish the both of us had BIGGER LEGS.. trust me, I bust my ass every week, twice a week on my legs. I give it everything I got and yet they are still lacking in development. I can get them seperated but they are never going to look like Iris Kyle.
Just LOVE all your sucess. Enjoy LIFE. Don't let winning or losing define who you are. You have so much more to give the world then just qualifying for the Ms. O. If it is meant to happen it will.........so, take some time to relax and do things that you wouldn't normally do in contest MODE.
LIVE LIFE WITH NO REGRETS...
Colette
P.S. Sorry about stealing your color I ordered you a new bottle and it should be there next week
Hi Dena!
First let me say that your were fantastic at the Jan Tana!
And the lovely Colette Nelson couldn't have said it better.
Winning and losing will never define who you are as a person, a professional both in business and athletics, and a classy diva.
Don't let the outcome get to you.
When you have had enough, simply walk away on your own terms.
I agree its frustrating how these people who claim to be judges continue to believe that size is all that matters in bodybuilding. Then just don't understand the true meaning of the word and the discipline itself and it seems that they never will.
But hang in there girl, and just compete for the love of it and let the chips fall where they may.
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